Nobody gets out of Life alive. It’s a popular saying in my neck of the woods. Yet, somehow, I did. Again.
Inevitably, the pattern of choices I made – starting with not testing blood sugars – led to a medical emergency. I had been watching it approach like it was a dream or someone else’s story. I noticed little sores on my body and told friends they were from keto-acidosis (by-product of high blood sugars) but didn’t make the connection between them and the importance of testing my blood sugar and adjusting insulin. It was apparent to me that I was losing weight quickly, but it seemed unimportant to me. How could I think about those things when I felt like I had the flu (for about a month :P) and just wanted to rest?
Finally, the morning arrived when I came ‘awake’ just enough to realize I was about to kick to the bucket. I called a friend; her phone rang and rang and rang – but I wasn’t going anywhere so I stayed on the line. When finally she got annoyed enough (she told me later) that she answered it to stop the noise, all I could say was “I need help. Please help me.”
And then I fell into a diabetic coma.
I recall images from the hospital. I remember floating above the cot as medical staff hooked me into life-support. I felt and heard the flickering firefly lights again (see When I Died), and They spoke to me of kindness. “All that matters, ” They chimed, “Is kindness. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others.” Over and over; a chant holding me and guiding me back to Life.
As I lay in the hospital bed (3 days in Critical Care and 7 days in main hospital), I had nothing to do but feel. All of the feelings pushed aside and buried beneath. Hard feelings of regret and loneliness; fear. Still, I was blessed with the comfort of small flickering lights in the periphery of my mind, singing a message of kindness. I was touched by the Hand of God again, and again I got out alive -forever changed. Again.
It was a turning point. The Course In Miracles says, “No matter how far down the path of insanity one walks, it is always only one step back to sanity.” I took that one step with a desperate call for help, and help came.
All that matter is kindness. It was a Truth I could cling to in the space between Life and Death. It was a Truth that gave me hope and the courage to stay present in the feelings that felt as vast and treacherous as a tsunami. It was the Truth that gave me a criteria – a yardstick, if you will – to measure the clarity of my choices as I found my way back to living healthy.
It was an inevitable solution that continues to guide me. And Diabetes is an expert teacher.
Stay tuned… there’s more to come; >)
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Thank you for sharing this today. I needed to read this and it came at the perfect time! =)
It is my pleasure, Mare:) It makes my heart very happy to hear that what I write has benefit.
“No matter how far down the path of insanity one walks, it is always only one step back to sanity.” Once I knew that – and it took me a LONGGGGG time to realize it – I was able to allow myself so much more emotion – no longer afraid of getting close to what I used to call “The Edge”…. Like you, then I, talked about in another story: I can let myself visit the sadness of my life, and appreciate its beauty, and its creation of so much more space for joy and love. I can go far down the path and always know – it is just one small choice to turn around. It is all so lovely.
I agree, Pixie! It is a constant source of support and comfort for me, too, to recollect that it only takes one step… I can always manage that 😛