I said once that my feeling body is as big as the Grand Canyon…and I want to take that back. I want to say, unequivocally, my feeling body is an endless sea. My ocean of emotion has no shores. I used to swim it with the goal in mind of respite. I thought I would eventually reach some magical shore where all my feelings gently soaked into soft, gentle sand, leaving me with an even sense of contented satisfaction. That’s the beach that called my desire and powered my unending strokes through vast seas.
For many, many years I believed I could aim myself toward that shore with the conviction of my mind and will and make it so. And I tried. But the shoreline remained out of reach. Then, another current caught me and I came to believe that, instead of attempting to will the creation of my desire, I would learn to swim the ocean of my emotions by responding to events and circumstances of life with love. Rather than looking for an end–a happily ever after–I would embody and embrace my emotion of choice. Love. Plain and simple…one vast emotion that buoyed me through the waves. An elegant and effortless solution that transformed the experience without any desire for it to end. An endless sea of love.
If only love were the only emotion in my ocean. It’s not. There are behaviors I cannot find it in me to love. Betrayal, deception, avarice…to name a few. Frankly, I’d prefer them nonexistent. I can eradicate them from my menu of actions, but everyone living in this world with me has the freedom to act as they will. And when I see some of these actions, I do not feel what I understand to be love. My ocean of emotions has many responses for behaviors like these, and none of them fit that definition.
In the practice of ho’oponopono, if we see it and have an emotional reaction to it, then the reaction is ours to clear; to dissolve or melt and open to currents of love. (see: Ho’oponopono Made Simple) I do my best to live and love by this standard. Sometimes, though, events and circumstances occur that require a boundary. When I need to tell someone, “No,” in no uncertain terms or disengage because the interaction feels harmful or let go of a relationship because its foundation is built on deception…can that be love? Is it possible that there is more to love than I perceive?
I struggle to understand how I can be an ocean of love and stand strong for values I hold dear. If I have to choose, I opt for loving myself enough to set boundaries. If I have to choose, I opt for being authentic and loving all my feelings–whatever they are. If I have to choose, I choose the kind of love that confronts inequity and speaks out for integrity and honor. It’s true, some may not feel “love” for the boundaries I set, but I will not let that be how I measure what love is.
I just keep swimming. Through this ocean of emotions. Learning, as I evolve and awaken into the vast currents of feelings that is my ocean of emotions just how many flavors of love there are. Stroke by stroke, wave by wave, I am coming to understand it’s all love.
Thank you. I love you.