And sometimes I do. Sometimes, it’s clear to me that a fresh insight just opened my mind into an understanding that shifts the paradigm of my beliefs. It happened when I went to visit John of God for the first time in February of 2011 (see John of God – The Process Continues); within months the insights I gleaned from the experience evoked life-altering changes. Clearly, I “awakened” through the experience to patterns within myself that were functioning on “sleep-walking cycles”. I asked myself: Why was I drifting through choices and patterns of behavior that were unconscious? Was there any kind of benefit other than avoiding change?
But sometimes, I’m uncertain where sleep ends and awake begins. Some dreams are lovely, aren’t they? Some dreams are filled with love and laughter and wishes fulfilled… in some dreams, I can fly. Why would I want to awaken from dreams like these? Wouldn’t I rather “awaken” into them?
As I continued to navigate the ramifications of change I made that Spring of 2011, I reflected on these questions. In many ways, the changes were uncomfortable. An amplified awareness of emotional distress in the patterns I’d been living didn’t disappear as soon as I made different choices. Indeed, it got worse. Awakening meant I felt the dysfunction in my “sleep-walking choices”, and — as I grew more aware — it was a process of making peace and reclaiming an internal harmony that took focus and intention and a willingness to be available for all of the associated feelings.
Within a year, I’d put a label on it. I established a new context and perspective – a new life platform, if you will. I referred to the process as awakening into All I Am. I assumed attainment of a level of stasis, accomplishment, in terms of expanded consciousness.
Expanding consciousness — that is the definition of awakening, right?
And then I was twirled and tumbled again — by a horse riding accident that altered everything from my beliefs about how life works (see: Surrender Into Awakening ) to my ability to dress and feed myself. This time, it wasn’t an insight that evoked a decision to make changes. This time, it was Life changing me that evoked insight. I remember vividly the timeless moment I “flew” through air from the back of a bucking horse and thought to myself, “I hope this all works out OK.” Change had me in it’s grip, and I was the passenger riding beneath it’s wings.
So…which is the dream? Was the accident a dream of vulnerability or a moment of awakening from another pattern of unconscious choices? Was the accident the cure? As I progress through the many months of healing bone and ligament injuries require, am I dreaming the pain? Is there an awakened state where pain is nothing more than a cell activating regeneration? An awakened consciousness that recognizes only perfection in every physical state as a perfect unfolding?
Sometimes, in my dreams I can fly, and it is awesome!. I suppose, in some dreams then, I am touching upon the realization of pure joy in my physical being. From these dreams I have no desire to “awaken”. In these dreams, I Am.
The question remains: Which is the dream, and which is the awakened state? I stand in the question. And, until the answer is clear to me, I’ll do my best to gather insight and expanded consciousness from all of it. If it’s possible to fly and land gracefully, I’d like to be available for the opportunity ; >)
I love you. Thank you.