These Days…

A common phrase, a point in time… a song title by Jackson Browne… The phrase, These Days, and the melody of Jackson’s song play through my mind in the background of my day like a soft guidance to explore further… Explore what, I wonder? Listening to Jackson Browne’s lyrics, it is a sad song–a song of regret and loss… of lost opportunities and loves. A very sad song… and… a theme that also played in my mind over these past eight years of living through and healing a failing liver. I understand this sad song. And yet, why would my inner guidance system suggest I reflect on these painful feelings that I have endeavored so wholeheartedly to let go from my suffering mind? I have an answer now, and I’d like to share it with you, Friend…

A song about reflection that focuses on a painful past… I like to call that “ruminating.” With an autistic brain, ruminating is one of my strengths. With a nervous system that loops like a labyrinth through the brain, my capacity to “search deeply” into past experiences to better understand the pain and hurt I experienced there… well, I’m really, really good at that 😛 It took me quite a few years–and a late diagnosis of autism, however–to realize this pattern of thought was causing illness AND prohibiting recovery in the body. This practice and the ‘art of ruminating’ was actually making my body weaker and less likely that I could heal. Jackson Browne’s song reveals an opening for me to discover how ruminating can be used to build a new pattern, a new way of being in a new world, from the same premise of reflection. Let’s explore that…

To Ruminate, in psychological terms, means to turn the same thoughts over and over in your mind, replaying negative events or feelings without reaching a resolution. It’s known as “repetitive thinking.” and is termed, affectionately, “Hamster Wheel Mind.” Of course, there are more neutral definitions as well. For example, to ruminate also means to consider something thoroughly and deeply. Or to focus intently toward completion. Both are in common dictionaries but have a very different feel to me. With an autistic brain, I am known for both, but it seems to me that, both Jackson and I, have ruminated down paths of hard feelings like disappointment, rejection, failure… that kept us in various levels of despair. The list goes on, but this isn’t the path that shifts the pattern.

Indeed, I discovered through several behavioral experiments that to ‘stop’ ruminating altogether-for me, anyway–is not an option. Autistic brains ruminate. One of my mother’s favorite stories about my childhood was to tell her friends how, as a toddler, she could sit me on the carpet, go take a half hour nap, and find me in the exact position, staring at the carpet, when she returned. What I recall from that age is that I loved watching light, and when I would listen to her tell the story, I ‘knew’ I was watching the light play across the carpet weave… ruminating on patterns of light, if you will. This opened a realization in me that a capacity to focus on repetitive patterns (ruminating) was–and is–baked into the nature of my being, regardless of how I apply it. There was no pain and suffering in which I could immerse this pattern in my life as a toddler yet, and that was the insight that opened a possibility for me.

If you are wondering how the rumination of past pains and sufferings effects physical health, let’s see if I can explain it simply… Physics explains that thoughts are electrical and charge the field around the body. Feelings are magnetic and live in the body. And in the sciences of biology and biochemistry, the brain (ie nervous system) is proven to be a biochemical computer. Whether the electrical thought evokes the feeling in the body or vice versa, the brain sorts to establish resonance between the electric and magnetic points through the Vagus nerve. Happy feelings that combine with happy thoughts create a relaxed Vagal nerve experience that signals the body toward good digestion, a healthy immune system, and a relaxed state of mind among other things. Anxiety, anger, regret, loss, fear, etc…. well, when the brain matches up these thoughts with congruent feelings in the body, the result is a Vagal tone that signals fear, loneliness, mistrust… and on and on. In other words, happy thoughts/happy feelings communicate to the physiology and biochemistry of the body to recreate the patterns of wellbeing throughout the physiology of the body. AKA healing. Jackson’s song experience, and my lack of awareness toward what a ‘pain and suffering’ rumination was creating could most certainly benefit from a new type ruminating pattern, n’est-ce pas?

The solution becomes the question, “How can I turn a well-worn habit of dwelling on thoughts and feelings that could only keep me in a state of dis-ease into a practice that evokes light and love and laughter in my experience, physically and emotionally and mentally?” How could I recognize and travel a path from painful memory to inspiring possibilities that flow through the vagus nerve like a regenerative, restorative, healing recovery?

The question is, perhaps, the easiest aspect of the solution. In practice, there is both the shift in rumination patterns as well as the journey of bringing a body losing its capacity to function into a state of vitality through good self-care. I am hopeful that, in this sharing, and the sharings to follow, all of us can learn together new pathways and practices for living lives that carry us gently from painful pasts into fulfilling possibilities. A’ho.

And, much appreciation to you, Jackson. I trust that, like the moving wings of a butterfly in another part of the world, you can feel me and learn with me. We are connected.