I found relief for the immediate internal conflicts between what I knew I ‘should’ do to manage Diabetes and what my emotional urgings demanded by refusing to test blood sugar levels. To my mind at the time, it was a simple and elegant strategy. Since my friends didn’t know enough to question the absence of this step in my regimen, it seemed – along with the flawed logic that created it – a perfect solution that allowed me the ability to socialize and eat more like ‘normal people.’ Without realizing it, I had placed one hand firmly into the the Tar Baby.
Br’er Rabbit from Songs of the South made the Tar Baby – a mound of sticky tar shaped to look like a person – famous when he sought to teach it a lesson by slapping, hitting, and kicking it.. to no avail. Because not only did the Tar Baby not feel anything, but everything Br’er Rabbit threw at the mound of tar, stuck to it – Leaving our friend, the rabbit, unable to free himself from his flawed solution.
For me, the sticky trap was more subtle. Every time I took insulin, there was a quiet voice that said, “Check your blood sugar levels first.” It was small and easy to ignore. Every time I took a bite of a sweet treat or seconds at a meal I really liked, I heard a soft voice repeat, “Check your blood sugar levels first.” I only felt guilty for a brief nano-second; it was still easy to ignore.
Inevitably, nano-seconds of a feeling accumulate and become a fine, pervasive mist that covers and alters everything. (see: Ho’oponopono Made Simple for more on this) As the feelings of guilt increased, it was as though I pulled that Tar Baby that stuck to me everywhere I went… like a constant reminder that I knew – no matter the image I presented – that I should be checking my blood sugar levels. And, whether I admitted it or not, I felt bad.
It’s funny – the emotional weight we can learn to accomodate in order to maintain a habit. In hindsight, it’s no surprise that I started feeling depressed… There are studies and significant evidence that supports the idea that high blood sugars all by themselves cause a chemical imbalance in the body that results in depression. I’m sure that was a factor because – after all – I had no idea just how high my blood sugars were. What I learned from my expert teacher Diabetes, though, is that guilt and depression are interwoven; where there is one, the other follows close behind.
Could it get more convoluted? Of course. The feelings of guilt and depression increased the need for relief and the desire (for me) to eat treats and drink alcohol.
Stay tuned.. the fun continues as I learn even more from my expert teacher, Diabetes.